?Monday, February 09, 2009
Heidi blows a kiss to you, dearly, @10:31 PM!
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There's always a rainbow after a storm,
When the Sichuan earthquake striked, i had this to tell 'em.
Now, i guess i have all of that for myself. What's in my head now? That my life sucks? But like, i'm prepared and ready to put it at the backest back of my head.
I mean, i have all time for Os now. Not counting CCAs, that is.
I'm back to being Heidi just today. I'm healing :D
All thanks to my girlfs! What beats 'em. They're always there for me.
Thank You girlfriends for your hugs and words of comfort. And all those that made so much sense. Like, you guys told me I shouldn't hold on to the hope that he'll come back but like. I think i'm gonna just hold on to everything i've got now.
Even if he doesn't, at least i sacrificed.
Well duh, it'll hurt me like shit all over again. But, i'd rather wait then give up hope now.
Cause i can't let go of everything we did together.
I still love him.
Because of this, i realised that my friends are like, the sweetest thing eva.
Anyway, it happened. And it did.
It's kind of saddening. I mean, how could he and all. Well, i guess studies are still the most important to him right now.
And I should respect it.
Because it's not that demanding afterall.
Just that. Whos left hurt. Me.
Okey. Like, i totally understand his situation right now. All he wants is to score for Os and let everything else wait till after Os. He knows it hurts me and all but he doesn't want any distractions for himself. And i guess, i'm accepting this fact after 4 days of denial. I used to think, this is all just a selfish act.
Like, why can't he handle both at a time.
But now. I'm starting to understand the meaning of fully concentrating on his Os.
And i'm not blaming him anymore.
All i want now is that, for Deandean,
To take real goodcare of happy and himself.
Don't stress himself too much.
Don't tire himself out.
And just, to live happily.
I just hope he can concentrate happily and not PMS-ing everyday.
And. Not to get frustrated with me, just cause of lil' things.
I guess it's all the Os fault! Deandean's to stressed out :(
It's quite sad know. Like, to see him being pulled down and burdened by all the homework given. 24 hours of mugging daily. Not even having 5 minutes to talk might seem ridiculous but i kind of understand his difficult situation already. It's just the urge to study, and all his frustrations just add up on top of one another. So much that talking to me was a kind of fear.
Like, he fears that I'll get upset when he needs to put down or that I'll start a quarrel.
I feel so not understanding! :(
But after having a good talk with him, i guess i should just trust him for whatever he says.
I'll not choose to let go, never. And I'll not choose to beg him to come back.
I'll just let nature take it's course.
I'm sure we'll be back together some day. When we can totally forget out our studies and like, pahtuo!
Ask me.
Would i rather him getting bad results cause i took too much of his time, and regret it his whole life? Or would i rather, accept his decision now so he'll be able to get a better result and live happily in the future?
And duh. Accepting his decision's the only right thing to do.
No matter how much I can't bear, or how much I'll miss, I still have to do it.
If I don't, we'll never be together again, right? Prolly even the slightest hope's impossible.
It's just the time I've been depending on him and everything I can't bear to forget. So, I'll never forget the happy times we had together. And all the cat fights we had. I mean, how could i eva forget 'em.
I begged him to come back to me and that I'll change and all. And I know you girls hate me cause i actually looked down so much on myself. And that i disgraced the whole female race. Like, shouldn't i be the one ditching him?
But know what. I never regretted not being the one to ditch him. Or initiate the thingy.
Yups :D
I sound silly but it's kindda true.
I know Deandean's hurt too by it too but he has no choice. Well. No choice, if he wants to get good results. His tight schedule's killing him. And i feel so xintong can :(
What's with staying back till so late everyday -.-
So yes, I don't want to add on to his stress and frustrations, all i can do is, to understand his difficult situations right? :}
I think I've made the right choice and I'm proud of myself.
I remembered I said he changed and stuff. But okey, he hasn't changed.
He's still the Dean i once knew and will always know. He really hasn't changed.
And I'm sorry I said that of you, Dean.
♥
Deandean, if you're reading this, I want you to know that.
Deep inside my heart, you'll be kept inside. No one's going to replace you. Whether you come back to me or not, I'm leaving it up to you. :) But. I'm sure you meant everything you said to me and after this whole Os shit, we'll hopefully get back together :D
I'm sorry I said that you changed over a night. You haven't. Like, I understand your situation and as someone who cares alot about you, i respect your decision. I don't want to make you feel worse and add on your troubls. Well. I would love to get back together if you changed your mind but if it's going to affect your Os, I'd rather we keep everything this way right now.
I know it hurts me. But, I'll soon get over it. I already am by the way! :D
And. I don't want you to degrade yourself, saying you're a lousy boyf whatsoever :) What disgustingly despicable cad of a lousy boyf thing. You're no a lousy boyf. See how much you thought me! You thought me everything about life and like, i'm this way now all because of you. You being lame and rubbishy. Yups.
We have all the time after the Os right.
I'm sure you won't disappoint me and I trust you.
Like, i'm sure you're not like the others. The others just anyhow say to get away with it but like, after knowing you for 3 years, you're different. And. I'm sure you won't be like yuanfeng like that right? HAHA. You already promised with your pinkies!
I'll be lying if i say i fully trust you wouldn't ignore me because these stuffs are happening despite the promises but. I've no reason to not trust you right?
I know this time it's only because of the Os.
Yups, but i want you to really, not tire yourself out :) Get everything done happily.
And I'm always there for you, like a phone call away. When you feel lonely and stuff.
AND DON'T GET FRUSTRATED WITH ME EASILY.
Like, when i play little bit then you angry liao.
Cheer up.
I'm happy you still let me call you before i sleep! :)
And I'll wait for you till after the Os. I love you.
♥
And and and and. Thank You girlfriends for the hugs you gave me today. Anna for your letter. Lena for your sms, hoping I'm fine. Hanwen, for your prayer. You people told me to cheer up and I will. I have so many friends.
Actually, all that have happened has thought me how to appreciate each and everyone around me :D Not appreciate when I lose 'em.
Deandean, don't get too stressed out! :) Don't let it affect your mood key!
Ly forevaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa.
(You are Dean's friend and if you ever see this, help me look out for him :])
Bye.
Tomorrow's another day.
Keep holding on cause you know we'll make it through,
When life begins with you,
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